Last night I was talking to my 23-year-old son, Pete, about his flight arrangements from Perth to Melbourne for Christmas. I told him I was the only one in the way of everyone having a lovely happy family Christmas. He was quick to tell me that I was living out a story that I’d made up.
I think he’s too wise for me because I couldn’t get past the fact that it was reality. I mean, if I can act from a more spiritual plane, accept everything and everyone as they are, then we can all be happy. That’s a fact.
Pete told me that I sounded like my birth mother. He’s never met her – he came close when he was quite young, but she got scared at the last minute and would not meet my children. That was just before she disowned me a second time – but that’s another story. Pete has rightly formed the impression that she’s stoic.
He reminded me that I needed to be able to give vent to my emotions. I was crying while speaking with him. I cry more easily these days. Isn’t that enough? How can I tell when enough’s enough? All the wallowing I’ve been doing lately must surely count. Again, I return to that notion that you cannot solve an emotional problem from the emotional plane. However, I don’t want to force myself to be in the mind about it, as maybe that does equate to forcing the emotions under the radar, and to get myself into the spiritual plane and stay there is not human. If we could do that we’d no longer need to be incarnate here.
So as I went to sleep last night I asked my teacher for a dream to help me, and this is what I got – it sounds weird though: I met the wife of one of my magazine long-standing advertisers, the Australian leader of a strong spiritual movement, who are also very ‘in the mind’ with lots of theories and dogmas. (I guess this represents to me that I am trying to solve this problem theoretically.) This wife was lamenting that her husband now has erectile dysfunction. (Hmmm… Yes – I guess this is telling me that my theories are not working.)
I suggested to this woman that she and her husband come to meet a tantra teacher with me and we attend her workshop. Yep – very unusual – but the fact is that a few months ago I attended private sessions to learn tantric breathing and movement of energy around my chakras and also attended a women’s tantric weekend covering the same stuff. I suddenly appreciated myself and my body much more, and this of course improved my self-esteem. I also had more energy and more chi just flowing around my body. However, of late, I’ve let the exercises go. Why? Probably a mix of overwork and that emotional wallowing being stronger and pulling me out of the zone.
So I thank my inner teacher for that dream and I now have 24 hours to do my practices and remind myself that I am worthy and lovable – even if not by my former husband.
Here’s hoping we all have a loving and self-loving Christmas.
I’ll ‘see’ you again a day or so after Christmas to report back 😉
Much love to everyone
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