How do we stay in the present while we juggle the big questions of love, sex, power and money in relationships?
It’s a challenge that’s not for the faint-hearted, but the rewards of deeply soulful and collaborative relationships are worth the effort – and so we do it, rising again and again to the challenge, or we withdraw and pretend that we are not interested.
Whether we rise to the challenge or not, I believe it’s what we all long for, that for each and everyone of us our dream of dreams is a magical union, finding a place to be held that touches our very core – a relationship that has a wake-up each day and where we are not be able to resist giving our love.
Such relationships can only happen if we are present, if we are free to give of ourselves. There is nothing more enchanting than having someone completely present and open to us in the moment. If the woman brings her light and love, her passion and vibrant energy to the man, and he takes her and all she has to offer, then enfolds her in his masculine strength of protection, direction and purpose, then couples bind themselves to each other in this way, creating a union that feels truly blessed.
However, the question is if we are not currently present in the NOW with our partners, if we are preoccupied and still looking to past partners, parents, or even children, then there is work to be done in order to clear the way. There is no possibility for presence if we are consumed by resentment over the past, whether it’s recent or ancient resentment that we carry. Until we are free from resentment, our hearts will be closed and stingy in their ability to love. Even if you feel justified in the resentment you carry, it’s like biting your nose off to spite your face! No amount of resenting that someone doesn’t acknowledge your resentment will free you from your resentment.
All relationships we have in our lives, be it with intimate partners, career, money or health, is a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves. If we are not connected to our own deepest longings, wants, needs and desires and to what makes our own heart sing, then what possibility is there for us to be able to listen to another? What possibility to make another’s heart sing when ours is sighing or moaning and groaning?
So this year decide to deepen your relationship to you, give yourself the gift of self awareness, increase your emotional intelligence so that you can more easily communicate what it is that you truly want from life to your partner, listening to and supporting them as you do.
- Be clear on your dreams, those things in life that, if you fulfil, will have you rest easy within yourself. Don’t die with the music still inside.
- Communicate what lights you up and makes you feel truly cherished in an inspiring, loving, encouraging way that is irresistible to others.
- Let go of forcing your will on others, being critical and blaming in an attempt to have your needs fulfilled – this is truly RESISTIBLE.
- If you ever say, ‘If I have to tell them what I want, it doesn’t count’, this is childish. No healthy adult wants to be in relationship with a child.
- Know what can trigger you into feeling hurt and abandoned, and what you need someone to say or do to support you in the moment, with a willingness to do the same for your partner or loved ones.
- Be clear on your unresolved and unmet needs from childhood so that these expectations are not being dumped on your current partner, or worse, keeping a potential partner away.
- It takes effort, practice and clearing the past to be truly present and loving in the now. The choice is simple whether to resist this effort for another year or start NOW.
Being hurt by love
It’s not a possibility that we will get hurt if we open our hearts and fall into love – it’s a certainty. So, what to do? We can withhold everything or take a risk and give everything, knowing that, if being hurt is certain (whether it’s a little or a lot), then it’s better to learn how to take care of the inevitable hurts and pain that comes with fully living rather than continue to develop strategies and defences that simply attempt to avoid.
The Persian poet and mystic, Rumi, encourages us to surrender into the mystery, into the ultimately loving and true nature of existence, into becoming that love itself?: “Very little grows on jagged rock.?Be ground, be crumbled.?So wild flowers will come up where you are. You’ve been stony for too many years. Try something different. Surrender.”
Jonine Lee Gabay is principal of Core Connections Trainings and is a Breathwork and Family Constellations facilitator and trainer.
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