Love stops time … and starts eternity. Relationships are the places of the greatest joy and also the greatest pain – joy because there is nothing to equal a deeply intimate relationship; pain because too many people are in a relationship by default and have little idea how to design their ultimate relationship or how to stay in their relationship vision and live in a state of love and acceptance.
There are strategies for all this; just as there are strategies to be wealthy and healthy.
To create a relationship by design there are some basic things you must do. First you need to clear any beliefs that hold you back – and there will be some powerful ones in there such as ‘There’s no-one out there for me’ or ‘I’m not pretty/intelligent/rich/good enough to attract the mate I want’.
Secondly it is vital that you are absolutely clear on your values and your boundaries. I’m a firm believer in boundaries: your absolute musts and absolute must nevers – and if you have them in place you can toss rules out the window. Rules are only there to make someone else wrong – so they don’t add a lot to a relationship! It’s like, ‘Do you want to be right or do you want to be in the relationship?’
And the third thing is the need to be able to access a state of love – whether your beloved is in your life or not!
State is the single most important skill in the world. It is the way you greet the day each morning, the way you navigate yourself through your day and the way you go to bed each night. It is the habits you form and it is vital because it is your habits that become your personality.
To be in a loving state you must focus on joy, on how you would feel to be in a loving relationship, on how good it feels to give, to share, to support and nurture a friend or relationship, and to be in a state of gratitude as much as you possibly can. I believe joy is our natural state and that everyone deserves to love and be loved. It doesn’t take much but, because most of us are dabblers, we don’t necessarily get enough of it or some of the other things that make life a masterpiece.
Your radiance is what attracts your mate. If you are not yet in the relationship of your dreams you must learn to be in a state of love on a regular basis, especially in the midst of a busy life. You don’t want to miss out on the relationship of your dreams, do you? Learning how to love, enjoying the dating game and deciding what you want, creating a vision and being committed to it will give you a totally different outcome and hopefully the love of your life.
If you are in your ultimate relationship, staying loving and giving, and not needing to be right will pave the way for long-term relationship success.
Whether you are in a relationship or looking for one, mastering state is key to not just your relationship success but to your life success.
So here’s the deal. Mastery depends on your state – your physical, emotional and mental state, and the state you have settled to living in. Are you committed to ‘outstanding’, or is ‘good’ good enough? The strange thing is that they are so close. It’s like the guy climbing the mountain – the last two metres are the hardest, but they are nothing after all the preparation and the amount of mountain already scaled. I believe there is only a couple of millimetres between good or even excellent, and outstanding, and it is your state that will get you there – to the top, to the outstanding, to the things you decide to have, to want, to accept, the feelings you want, the whatever it is you desire.
Mastering your state is the key to the kingdom, and, in the dating and romance game, it’s the key to your heart and the heart and soul of your beloved.
In what some people term the Good Old Days, people stayed with each other for a lifetime. Now we have several lifetimes in the one. We not only have several different jobs, statistically we have at least three different careers in a job life.
So we don’t stay with each other for a lifetime unless it’s what we want or we are too scared to leave. And if we do stay together then we need strategies for many things – communication, finances, conflict resolution, managing children, managing careers, managing the work-life balance and especially love.
They say love conquers all, and it certainly does go a long way.
4 action steps to stay in a state of love and to nurture a long-term relationship or a dream to be in one
There are some things you can do regularly.
1. What is great is always available to us – so is what is wrong. Choosing to focus first on what is great will give you a completely different experience of life. Catch yourself when you are focussed on the bad bits and decide to concentrate on creating more joy for you or both of you.
2. Having someone’s attention is a rare commodity these days. When your partner wants to speak to you about something important there are two things you must do. The first is to open your heart and listen, even if you are angry or hurt. The second is to allow them the space and freedom to communicate without interruption. When they are finished, ask them if there is something they want you to do or if they just wanted you to listen.
3. You will never solve a problem when you are in the energy of a problem. It increases in magnitude and emotion the more you focus on it. When you simply can’t see a way ahead, you must shift gear to find a solution if you want a positive result. Focus instead on what you really want and create a strategy to make it happen. Remember there is no rainbow without a storm – so learn to deal with the storms so you can really enjoy the rainbows.
4. When you have challenges, staying in the energy of love will ultimately mean a quicker resolution. You fell in love with this person when you had your heart open – so open it again, focus on what’s good, what’s working and what you love about them. A great way to do this is to create a list of magic moments you have had together to re-engage your feelings of love.
To conclude, if you’re not in a relationship, get ready for one by being focussed on what you want, not what you don’t want. Examine your past roadblocks and if necessary see someone to help you clear them. Create a clear vision of what you want, not just for yourself, but a vision of the relationship. And do your very best to stay in the energy of what you want. Have a big enough ‘why’ – the emotional pull and the universe will help you out with the ‘how’.
If you are in the relationship you want for the long haul, treasure your partner, choose to be in the relationship rather than be right, give more than you thought was possible, and be full of gratitude for having someone to love and be loved by.
3 action steps for life
1. Decide to love. Decide to radiate beautiful energy. That is the ‘attractor factor’ – so enjoy the consequences! Your focus is vital, your state is vital, and so is a smile.
2. Decide to live in the present moment. It is the now that we can be joyful in, and it is the now that is important if we are to create a tomorrow that is filled with all the things we deeply desire.
3. Never give up on a dream! Whatever it is, make it happen … or relax and enjoy life waiting for it to happen … it will, so long as you never give up on that dream.
Dr Buzz McCarthy is a psychoneurologist and relationship strategist. She is author of Internet Dating: Men to Avoid Men to Enjoy.
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