By Graeme Sudholz….
In a porn-driven era men are moving away from connecting with their full sexual potential and this article is about claiming back for themselves the missing ingredient.
In our modern world of information, technology and numerous other gadgets and toys, it has slipped past most of us that our awareness of our potential capacity for sexual pleasure is declining. Men (and women) are being slowly conditioned away from their real sexual pleasure. There are a lot of different factors causing this, but I believe the single and most significant factor is that men (and women) simply have lost awareness of just how much pleasure they are capable of, both sexually and emotionally. Sexual capability simply means our individual capacity to feel full body pleasure. It doesn’t matter how many sexual partners a person has, or how much sex is experienced, it is all meaningless if pleasure felt and experienced is limited. Quantity, unfortunately, is how we experience or measure pleasure from that place of limitation.
The pornography industry has created farcical illusions of what sex looks like, and part of the reason porn has such impact is because real, meaningful sexuality is diminishing, particularly with younger people.
From my experience in working with couples, and particularly men, I am aware that very few men realise what their sexual capability really is, or, in extreme cases, if their capacity for pleasure even exists. Through my work, I firmly believe that most men achieve less than 10% of their capacity to experience their own pleasure during sex.
Understanding is key
Something as simple as separating ejaculation from orgasm for men is real, yet most men don’t realise this is possible for them. Just because both usually happen at the same time (ejaculation being the release and orgasm the pleasurable peak) men just aren’t aware that they’re separate functions. Most men believe that their experience of ejaculation is their actual orgasmic pleasure. If a man’s focus on ejaculation is his goal, then most likely he rarely experiences his orgasm and, if he does, it is only at a very small percentage of his true capacity. Ejaculation still does feel pretty damn good and it is a separate experience from orgasm. When a man stops when he comes, then that is his finish. The actual reality at that point is that this is his beginning of feeling his separate orgasmic pleasure. This is an attention-grabbing concept, even for those who are aware of this potential experience of separation. And even for those who are aware, it can often be a struggle to achieve pleasure from separation, as it may feel like giving up something familiar. Yet the potential beyond this point is limitless pleasure and a life-changing experience that is well worth the effort of exploration.
As a man, take a moment and imagine your point of no return, your point of ejaculation, as a 10 on your scale of orgasmic pleasure. Then, with 1 being the start and 10 being the finish, imagine how it would be if you could keep feeling your orgasmic self for as long as you chose – maybe even hundreds of times, without needing to actually ejaculate or desiring to finish? Are you, as a man, even aware that this is what you are capable of – being truly multi-orgasmic?
As a man, your real sexual pleasure begins at your current ‘10’. Converting your ejaculation intensity into orgasmic energy will keep your orgasm happening. This will create for you a whole new world of pleasure each time you achieve your 10 and each time in this place it deepens, past 10 to 11, 12 or more. Your experience of pleasure increases, becomes easier to achieve and stays with you longer. Each time you go into sexual space, your 10 has moved, your pleasure is deeper yet closer to the surface, and it becomes more accessible as your normal feeling experience. This experience gets better with age, and this pleasure is already happening within you. Simply by allowing yourself to experience your sexual potential without limiting your pleasure sounds easy, BUT there is a condition attached – and it is not negotiable – and we’ll get to that, but before we do, a bit more about men’s conditioning away from pleasure.
Men are conditioned away from experiencing deeper pleasure right from the beginning of their sexual journey. From when they first become sexually active, boys are conditioned into ejaculation. In the early days of self-pleasuring (masturbation) the pressure is on to get it up and over and done with before they get found out – stage (1). The next stage (2) is to get it up and over and done with before their girlfriend changes her mind; then (3) before the kids wake up; and finally (4) before they lose their erection. Sadly, at no stage, or very rarely, are boys, as they become men, exposed to the real meaning of the sacredness of their sexuality and heart connection and what this means to be a healthy sexual male.
Generally, as a result of this conditioning and lack of awareness of what is possible, men struggle in accepting that there is so much more to their sexual experience. Men become ‘addicted’ to ejaculation as their pinnacle experience. Some men only experience ejaculation and very limited orgasmic pleasure, even though there is so much more pleasure to experience, and it is already available inside them. This disconnection conditioning also encourages a man to focus on pleasing his partner in order to be a ‘good lover’. This is another potential that may take him further away from this place inside of himself and into a place of ‘performance’. The pornography industry is more manipulation that specifically targets these areas of masculine desire of performing and visually ‘coming’, which even further separates a man from his heart. When watching porn, the focus is on the screen, and in this place pleasure is significantly limited. As a man grows older and his habits become deeper and more entrenched as testosterone fades, his normal type of sex has less feeling and becomes more difficult. This is also a part of male ‘menopause’, which is another issue for men (and women).
However, for a man to experience what is beyond his so-called ‘normal’ is simply realising there is so much more, and that he can choose to experience and discover this for himself. If you’re a guy, ask yourself what it would be like if you could have your orgasm but not the ‘down’ of ejaculation? Ask yourself what it would be like to get to your point of no return and instead of ejaculating choose to have your deeply pleasurable orgasm as many times as you desired?
Man’s ultimate challenge
For a man to move away from performance and go into his deeper, full bodied pleasure within himself is about his opening to and connecting with his own loving heart. For a man to achieve these wonderful things in himself, it requires his sexual energy and intensity to be totally heart-connected and driven. It is a limited and energy draining experience for a man if his heart and sexuality are disconnected. A man feeling his deeply penetrating loving heart is the fuel for sexual intensity of pleasure in lovemaking with his partner. And, if you’re a woman reading this, how does that feel for you? Pretty amazing would be my guess.
For you as a man in achieving your sexual heart connection, a deeply loving relationship container is ideal. This creates your fuel for your open heart, which creates more feeling depth of pleasure. This is what a woman desires most of all from her man, and this is what men are capable of bringing into relationship. This is not about giving your heart away, but experiencing your power within yourself as your purveyor of pleasure.
Most men carry a deep pool of sexual shame, from male conditioning around their identity and their sexuality that interferes with their capability in experiencing more pleasure. This shame is part of the reason why most men find it challenging to accept unlimited pleasure can exist beyond separation of ejaculation and orgasm. Men are conditioned, from the beginning of their sexuality, to get it over and done with by ejaculating, resulting in conditioning men into being trigger sensitive, numb or lose interest in sex. Ejaculation mostly prevents a man from the best bits. There is also some primal conditioning in this as well, about survival and getting your seed planted before something eats you. The point is that men have a lot of conditioning to undo, and it is why most men are addicted to ejaculation and unknowingly diminishing their capacity for pleasure. Men have a choice and can choose pleasure, but most simply lack awareness about their true capabilities and sadly remain disconnected from their own pleasure selves. It is a matter of choice, but most importantly, simply being aware that they do have a choice, and that there is more, much more.
Imagine if you had a choice, how would it be for you in choosing to finish, because you felt totally complete without ejaculation? Imagine what it would be like for you, if each time you went into this place, your orgasmic energy became deeper and more full bodied, and that it remained with you for days afterwards?
Learning to separate and become multi-orgasmic is not easy, but it is real and does involve having a good time that is all about more pleasure and true sexual fulfilment – and, if you’re learning this with your partner, then it is a relationship game changer.
How to get started
A simple process to try during lovemaking, or self-pleasuring, is, when you start to get close to your point of no return, to simply stop and take three to four deep breaths. As you’re breathing deeply, focus on what you’re feeling inside of you, in your genitals. You will notice that your intensity of pleasure has relaxed and moved away from your genitals. This will spread pleasure through your body. Then simply start again and keep repeating – the more you do so, the more full bodied your pleasure. The first step is being aware of what you’re feeling inside of you. This will make a difference simply because you’re feeling in yourself and you’re choosing to feel more pleasure. As you increase your awareness of how your sexual energy moves, so will your awareness grow as regards the difference between ejaculation and orgasm. Focusing on the difference and choosing to bring the ejaculation intensity forward, then stopping and breathing, will expand that intensity further into orgasmic pleasure. And, practise, practise, practise. This is the main difference between the expansion techniques of tantrix sex and the control techniques of Taoism.
A holistic journey
Also, a preparedness for emotional work, to really connect with and release shame, heal deep-seated wounds, be intensely vulnerable, and really open your heart are beginning places. Connecting heart and sexuality is a beginning step, and this one particularly challenges most men to their core, yet is what a woman desires most to feel from her man. From this beginning place, becoming multi-orgasmic is a complementary and continuing journey. Let her know what you are doing, and invite her to breathe too!
From my personal experience (and yes, this place exists) and in my opinion, once a man starts down this pathway, not only is there no turning back, but it becomes a limitless, timeless and never-ending journey. This place in man, when actively introduced into himself and his relationship, will create a depth of heart-opening sexual loving that will keep growing and deepening – and it definitely gets better with age as it is an internal journey rather than purely physical technical journey.
A man can journey as far and as deep as he has the courage to go into himself, connecting his heart, sexuality, and his power. This is the place in a man that a woman craves for – to feel safe, protected, nurtured and met. Both will never again be the same.
Graeme Sudholz is a qualified counsellor and tantra facilitator who, along with his partner Annette Baulch, facilitates Oztantra workshops and retreats and works with individual couples in rejuvenating and enhancing their relationships.
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