On that one night of despair, my whole world changed. I understand why. Although I’m not quite sure how. I know there has been a definite, everlasting shift.
Looking into the vacant eyes of my first born, I realised how in an instant, death can occur. The reality that they are only on loan echoed deeply through my heart like the slamming of a door.
There was no life in his eyes, only the depth of emptiness staring into space. I held on with all that I had to give as a mother, pleading with his soul to stay a little longer. I could sense the quiet, gradual withdrawal, slipping away like sand through the grasp of my intention. Was my love as a mother not enough to keep him here? I could smell the blackness forming a shadow over my heart.
The serene and nonchalant look upon his tender face was but a disguise for haunting fear. He seemed oblivious, somehow peaceful, and yet the feeling only a parent would detect was of his fearful journey toward the unknown. My instinct was to nurture and to protect, but I knew I had to relinquish this control. This was the one time I had no choice; my endeavours to change heaven’s outcome were fruitless. This time Mum had no say in his life! My mind needed to hold on to my baby boy, while my heart released him with love. After all, I knew it was all in divine timing and was planned a long time ago. It was all happening as it should be.
I could feel my strength rise with the presence of the angels and their support of unconditional love. I knew they would be there, I had asked them to be. The presence of my brother must have been to take my son. I prayed for him to keep safe my little boy and quietly appreciated that they would be united in heaven. He would now be able to play with his much missed ‘Lucky’.
I had to leave him in the tender care of his father, a man of great strength, great stability, great calmness and a purpose to save our son. My mission now was to direct the ambulance, guide them to our home so they could steal the last precious moments from me.
The wait was long. However every second reassured me of my husband’s capabilities. Like me, his emotional investment was all the motivation he needed to succeed, but was he able to bring back four years of emotional life? To refill those eyes with the depth of a soul rather than the hollow of emptiness? Or was it the plan of the Divine to take our treasure regardless?
Over and over I visualised that vacant look upon my baby’s face and was taken back to the day my brother was also stolen from me. The similarity was now haunting me. I am not sure I could go through it again with my own son. I prayed for strength. I then again felt the serenity of my brother with me, calming me like a deep mountain lake. It felt like a roller coaster, but now more up than down.
The angels too were with me. Was I filling my mind with unwarranted thoughts? Filling my heart with unwarranted fear? Once again, I decided to hand it over to them; I could no longer bear the torment, and of course they already knew the outcome. I needed peace in my heart to give me the strength to endure.
When for the second time I relinquished control of the conclusion, I knew in my heart that all would be fine. Was it a mother’s intuition? Was it a telepathic message from my husband? Or did the angels tell me? It didn’t matter now, I just knew I had my baby back for a while longer.
I now understand how love is unequivocally the most powerful force. This time I will make life count, this time I will live in every single moment. The love for my children has intensified and, through this experience, I will enable our family to love beyond love. Life is a priceless gift given to us to fulfill and live lovingly. I will do just that…
In the rearview mirror I saw the silent emergency in the lights on our ambulance.
Deanne lives each day inspiring people to create the life that they love. She is a healer, inspirational writer and speaker and has the honour of being the nurturer, role model and student of two beautiful young children.
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