19th May, 2009
Today is the 38th anniversary of the day I had a stillborn baby. I think it is the first one where I have not pined for the baby and/or felt sorry for myself for not having given birth to a live child. The sense of trauma is no longer there, or the emptiness either, come to think of it.
What’s happened in this last year that had not happened previously?
I mean, 38 years is an awfully long time to get something out of your system.
If you’ve read my earlier blog postings, you will know that Terry, my husband, left me in March last year after 41 years of marriage. I’ve gradually been processing that more and more, letting him go, and dealing with my own sense of grief. So I wondered if that was linked in any way to not being affected by the dead baby this year – but I don’t believe so, not directly. Indirectly, however, it has been very instrumental in that the period following his leaving has been the most rich and fertile for me in terms of personal development – I’ve come ahead in leaps and bounds 😉
This will sound totally woo-woo to many people, but what I think has made the difference is that a few months ago I attended a workshop where we were shown how to retrieve split-off parts of our souls. It appears that often, when we have a trauma, part of our soul says, ‘I’m out of here’, and splits off and goes to the Underworld – yes, as far as I can gather, the same Underworld of ancient mythology. As I said, it sounds woo-woo, but it was amazingly effective.
With things like that, when faced with something totally alien to the ‘normal’ way of thinking and being, I have learnt over many years of workshops to throw myself into the experience and go along for the ride. After it is over, I can assess whether it was a worthwhile experience or just bunkum. After this one, my life felt transformed. You have no idea of the clarity and elation I felt. I had so much zing in me it was as if I had just fallen in love. So my body and my emotions had voted that the process was kosher.
The next day I tried it at home for myself and at that time came across a part of me (or more correctly my soul) that had split off in a past life around the death of a baby. I am not going to freak you out any further by going into the details of that past life right now, but it had bugged me for many years, and now it’s merely a part of history for me.
Wow! It’s amazing how we grow when forced to face ourselves from life’s circumstances isn’t it?
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