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Family dynamics

In Insight and Experience, People, Biographies and Interviews by Hong CurleyLeave a Comment

Hong Curley answers a reader’s questions

I have been cleaning up my ways for several years now and seem to still encounter the same issues with some of my family members.

Recently (the past six months) I decided to take on the challenge to go vegetarian/nearly vegan. My family seems to think that I am unwell, sick, I need help, I have problems, I should go to the doctor and the list goes on.

I am finding it hard to address one person (being my mother), and to have her accept that this is me. It is now to the point that anything I do, any normal emotional reaction I have, even if I am frustrated, she will automatically believe that I should seek help. She has successfully got my sister to jump on this too. Now they both tell me I need help.

I am always talking to people I know, qualified counsellors, therapists. I am 100% honest with them and honest with myself, and I just don’t know what else to do. I am now at the point where I am cutting off my mother for good. I feel that she has been pointing the finger at me and blaming me for so long, it feels like she has the issue.

Do you have any advice for me? How does one fully let go of these negative energies? Is this something that will happen overtime, or can I speed up the process?

It seems like any healthy changes I want in my personal life are frowned upon and I am looked at like I have issues.

Kind regards,

Melissa A


Dear Melissa,

A few points to enlighten your situation:

1.    First of all, try to consider a different perspective. What if your mother and sister are not attacking you? What if they love you and are concerned about you, but they just don’t know how to deliver their messages to you? Often, people deliver the message in the way they know how, not in the way you welcome; nevertheless, they come from a place of good intention.

2.    If you have been cleaning up your ways for several years and still encounter the same issues, you need to reflect and review your methods and commitment. A tree must be defined by the fruits it bears. Your life result shows the effects of your choices over the years. So you must question yourself here. Perhaps your way of cleaning up was not effective enough to achieve your goal? Perhaps you were not committed enough? Find out what it is that hinders your growth; then remove the hindrance.

3.    At a deeper level, your mother and sister’s irritation is your own creation. Everything in life is our creation, we have created at both conscious and unconscious level, whether we like it or not. This is a bit hard to swallow, but we must take this responsibility if we want to grow and evolve. Our eyes cannot see themselves; so we need someone else as our reflection to see the truth of what we are. Unfortunately, what we see is not always pleasant. If you blame them, you will miss the point of personal growth. Sounds like you have run away from them. That is okay, but just keep in mind that they are not your problem. The problem is somewhere inside you. They are simply reflecting those problems back to you so you can see them.

4.    It is a very good idea to drop your reaction towards them if you can. Can you interpret their irritation as a form of concern? Can you see it as a form of care? Can you acknowledge their concern as a positive input rather than a negative input? If you are a mother, would you wish your daughter ill or would you wish your daughter well? Do you think your mother really is attacking you or is it your negative interpretation based on how you filter the information? These are the questions you need to ask yourself and find the deeper truth.

5.    It is also a good idea for you to sit with them and have a proper conversation with them without hostility, if you can manage that. Conversation can only happen in peace and mutual respect. Don’t judge them, and ask them not to judge you. Go into the conversation in mutual acceptance and love. You will find, in the genuine heart space, that they really care about you, and so, if you can speak with love and gratitude and thank them for their concerns, your voice will be heard by them too.

6.    Don’t ignore the fact that maybe, at some level, you may need help. I am not saying you do. I am saying we all have blind spots. Sometimes, keeping an open mind is more intelligent than keeping a closed mind. An open mind allows us to grow and expand, while a closed mind shuts us down and shrinks us. Open your mind to all possibilities, and then use your intelligence to evaluate it. Reaction is not intelligence; standing in your own power to discern without reaction is intelligence.

Thank you for reaching out, Melissa. I hope this helps.


Hong Curley

Hong is a Chinese medical doctor who specialised in psychological healing before she retired. She earned her expert status from having conducted over 38,000 consultations. She is author of Freedom to Love. 

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