Fidelity is a natural intention and arrangement to resonate with each other, explore life in all its depth and to be with each other. If you really want to be in a committed relationship, then it requires the whole being and focus. Sometimes when personal needs, desires, and expectations are not met, people want to change the arrangement and they try to justify their change in attitude by comparing it with other types of relationships or suggest a more open, uncommitted lifestyle, or they look for enhancement or diversity in life, including sexuality. For thousands of years we have tried to find answers for the ‘right’ lifestyle that would make us happy.
But the bottom line is, that the partner is no longer ‘enough’. If a partner says: ‘I love you, but I also want to be with somebody else’, that clearly means: ‘I don’t want to be with just you right now!’ If that is mutual, then we can call it lifestyle. If not, then we have to have the willingness, courage and consciousness to direct the energy toward the exploration of life with each other, to find out the deeper origin from where the perception of not being ‘enough’ arises – in oneself and in the relationship.
People sometimes criticise me for that statement, since love is unconditional and can be shared with many people. I fully agree. Love is the resonance with the flow of live. On that level I love, I flow – unconditionally, impersonally. If I make this personal I can state: I include you in my flow of love. If I make this energy interpersonal, then I love you and want to be with you, share with you.
In this sharing we carry our essence and beautiful qualities, but as human beings we also structure our feelings and develop our behaviour and personality in a specific family and social setting. So, ultimately the personality has to deal with its difficulties and limitations. The interpersonal life with a partner may harmonise or amplify these difficulties. Therefore, if you care for another person, you want to explore with integrity the depth and capacity of this relationship.
Sometimes people come to me because they want to be supported in the process of separating in love. They became aware that they are not able to live the love that they felt or envisioned together. We must understand that love itself does not disappear or betray! It is the person who cannot sustain and integrate the flow of this energy and thus has a hard time relating from this place.
On the other hand, fidelity based on a limiting moral family-, religious- or cultural-model and not emerging from the lovers’ truth for each other, is already distorting the free flow of love. Therefore we’ve got to stay open, listen with the full mind and direct the will of the heart, to decide how we want to live with each other in a fulfilling relationship.
Two birds fly and sing beautifully and they meet in their freedom and creativity with natural intention and grace – what happens if you bind their wings together!?
Siegmar Gerken, Ph.D, ECP, HP (Psychotherapy) studied psychology, education and anthropology. He has pioneered body-oriented and heart-centred therapy and humanistic psychology since 1971 and is the founder of Core Evolution.
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