Nineteen years old, a young and beautiful woman with an excellent academic performance at University … but sexually illiterate and hopeless in relationships with the opposite sex.
What does this mean?
My parents were not happy in their marriage and I grew up in the middle of endless conflicts between them. Often my mother cried and fought with my father, because he preferred to spend many hours at work or with his social circle, than to be involved in this family drama. This was an endless vicious cycle: he would not turn up, she would get angry, cry and scream, and then he would run away. Finally he created two families, and she, who was a beautiful and feminine woman, had her boyfriends. At family parties we would be all together, like a big, happy, united family!
Yet, everyone was unhappy. For me this was like a theatre, where everybody lied and hurt each other. Both my parents were very sexually active, but they did not teach me anything. Since my childhood, I was very sensual, I liked to wear very short and feminine clothes, I lied like an odalisque and moved in the world like a cat. For this I was constantly told off both by them and my grandmother, as they saw that, in this way, I would end up having a bad future. They would repeat this as a hypnotic sentence every day: who is going to love her wild as she is?
Of course, up to 19, I had my teenager experiences: a few boyfriends who came and went, but nothing really serious. I was very afraid of being alone and had a burning wish to escape from my home and my family’s history. The best way to achieve this was in creating my own family. Still, I had no idea about this area at all. Obviously my parents were not the best example and at school no one had taught me anything about it. TV and soap operas did not help me in this either!!
Outcome? I chose without any base, guided simply by my crazy wish to have a partner. My ‘he’ was a student at the same university I was, a little older than me, a good student, integrated and with an intellectual air about him. He had his house, motorbike, car and work. At this time, I did not know that there were ways and trials a potential partner should be put through, before making a choice, in order to know that we do not dream of a prince and end up …kissing a toad!
I saw in him a prince, a saviour. My eyes were not trained to see the truth as they are now: he said that he loved me and that I was his muse, but when we went out he divided the bill by two very precisely: I would go to his house, which was far away from mine by bus or walking as, in spite of having two cars, he would not come to fetch me. During the holidays that followed, the bills were also carefully shared!! Then, on the weekends he would sit in front of the TV watching football games, while I would be cleaning his house, cooking and typing his university essays.
Sexually was even worse. I rejected him. I did not feel any pleasure with him. On the contrary, all I felt was pain. I did not have anyone to talk to about this and I thought that I was the worst woman on Earth, because I did not know how to give myself sexually to my partner. I wore the ugliest pajamas that I could find in the market and tried to be invisible so that at night he would not desire me. I paid weekly visits to the gynecologist, who examined me, gave me creams and, yet no doctor could guide me in my sexuality: all of them would simply research and try to heal my body , but none of them could teach me how to realise my sexuality!!! None of them even explained that I was not the problem, that the real problem was the incompatibility between the two of us and that he did not have enough male energy for me… This is something I understood years later with the help of my teachers.
At that time, I was divorced from my femininity, my sexuality and even my own self and this, in turn, made me very insecure, made me fear that I would lose him. Because of being dependent I wanted to keep him close to me but, as no one had ever taught me how to use my feminine power to keep a relationship, I tried to do it by screaming and having hysterical crises.
I had become my mother!
And of course, for him I was no longer a muse and had become distant, both physically and emotionally, a fact that created in me more fears, more insecurity and more crises. Things could not have happy endings in these conditions. So it was that, after four years of suffering and fights, the man I would have loved forever, left me. This was a great thing!! Unfortunately, like me, many of my friends had similar relationships: they went to the altar and lived an unhappy life for many years and, as a result, they had children to take care of, little money, wasted their time and harboured big illusions.
As for myself, I went out of this relationship like many woman do, walking out traumatised from a catastrophic experience, based on the repetition of old family programs.
After this, a few years of intensive sexual investigation followed. As I wanted to go deeply into this mystery, I had a lot of relationships. With these new partners I had a more pleasurable experience, but I lost a lot of energy and felt that I was on an emotional rollercoaster. I continued to choose without criteria and I received nearly nothing from my partners. I worked a lot, earned a little, and my beauty and youth started to disappear. Like many woman of this time, I thought that I was independent, because I worked until I was exhausted and paid my bills; still I did not receive anything from a man: an orgasm and some sweet words seemed enough. A part of me realised that I would fall in love because of orgasms.
My independence was equal to zero.
My emotions and my sexuality depended totally on this. It was like a vise and I went from one to another, so that I could have strong emotions.
During this time I had a very powerful lover, a business man and politician. He felt guilty because of being with me. He would come to me when he was full of tension. I started to get sick and, because I was very intuitive, I could see how he put his sick energy in me. My life, as my grandmother had foretold, was not good. Nobody loved me as I was and I did not even love my own self!!!
In the middle of this catastrophic situation I came to know about a school that taught unusual things: feminine arts, tantra, work with female energy, beauty, the art of seduction…. It was an attractive offer. So I started my studies. It saved my life!!!
For the first time, I found a place where I understood what being a woman means, a place where sensuality was not punished, but encouraged and refined, so that it would bring good outcomes. I learned to live my sensuality in a wonderful way, that was neither biological nor moral nor pornographic but, rather, a complete way of living that led me to the utmost experience: to love and divine grace. This, indeed, was true independence.
I learnt about men, how they think, how they feel, what they look for. Little by little, seminar after seminar, the bandages that covered my eyes started to fall off. I understood the failure of my first relationship and how I had been ready to continue in that way, because I did not understand the needs men have, only mine. I understood why relationships do not last and cannot be passionate, why partners, in the best of cases, turn into either brothers or worst enemies.
Through practices, I created a constant state of being in love, but not with anyone exactly. As a result, my eternal dependence from men and the need to project outside my state of being in love ended. I started to live and be really self-sufficient.
In the seminars I developed my feminine individuality, I learnt how to dress, wear make up, do up my hair style and things that expressed my essence. Now I walk in the street and both men and woman turn their heads to look at me, they enquire after every small detail of my dressing with admiration and I do not need to hide my sensuality as my parents and grandmother would have wanted me to.
Istina is one of the tutors of international Golden Altai Academy. Working with feminine energies she obtained health, love and harmony in her life. She teaches women all over the world how to stay healthy, youthful, and sexy and how to attract the right partner, create harmonious relationships and bring magic into their lives.
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