If we approach it the right way, going through a divorce can be a spiritual classroom which vastly enriches us as human beings and brings diversity and opportunity into our lives and the lives of our children.
In this day and age divorce is a very prevalent and common experience in Western culture. While people get together with high hopes and an intention to stay together in love for life, the reality is often very different.
As things fall apart, there are some things we can do to make it bearable and which will help us to cultivate a new and different relationship moving forward. Implementing these things may take inner strength, and the cultivation of more tolerance, patience and all-round virtue.
1. Remember the good
a. At the beginning of your relationship in the honeymoon period we can see no wrong in our beloved. If you got as far as marriage, things must have seemed really amazing once upon a time. At the end, it is sometimes hard to remember anything positive as we are overwhelmed with differences, stale energy and problems. We all have selective memories and consciousness. Keep some perspective and balance in your memory and don’t demonise the beloved.
2. Manage expectations
a. You didn’t have your expectations met during the marriage; so it is unlikely that they are suddenly going to be met now. Moderate expectations, be clear about your bottom line, don’t sweat the small stuff and only take issue on things that are really, really important.
3. Don’t try to change them
a. Changing others is a useless and disempowering strategy. However miracles can happen when we work on our self-respect, self-love and
b. Self-esteem. When these things become stronger within us, people generally tend to treat us differently. Do your best to accept your ex as they are and work on your own interior landscape.
4. Respect differences
a. There are a thousand ways to spice a casserole and a thousand ways to raise children. Our kids chose us both, and so we need to find a way to honour the different methods and philosophies that emerge after divorce. Speak well of your ex, particularly in front of the kids.
5. Reward every try
a. If your ex does something nice, don’t judge it against the long list of things they have not done. Instead be grateful, say thank you and thus reward the effort they made to be helpful or pleasant. This is an amazing way to bring out the best in people.
6. Have good manners
a. Speak in a normal voice; not a voice of judgment, criticism or condemnation. Behave towards your ex and their family as people you cherish and care about.
7. Stay calm
a. Even if you are annoyed, don’t become a screaming rat-bag. It is not okay to give as good as you get. Don’t vent over your ex. It escalates conflict and makes managing blended families much more difficult. If your ex is upset, make sure you are safe, have some charity towards them and what they might be going through as the relationship comes to an end. Be a peacemaker and thus the spiritual strength and leader in the situation. Use meditation and spiritual techniques to cultivate inner strength and calm.
8. Don’t catastrophise
a. Everyone makes mistakes, and says things they regret. Sometimes pain talks, and what is said is really not their considered position. Try not to dramatise, defame, gossip or exacerbate the situation through
b. small-mindedness or cattiness.
9. Dissolve your limiting thoughts
a. The vision we hold of the beloved may have become quite negative. Thoughts lay the track for the reality train;so if we want things to change we have to change our thoughts, and thus we exude a different kind of energy which is encouraging of change from others.
10. Forgive them
a. Everyone makes mistakes, and we can learn to be forgiving. Forgiveness is really for us, as lack of forgiveness gives us a big black weight to carry in our hearts, which only ever hurts us. It is not about excusing them; it is about forgiving them. Not forgiving is like taking poison and expecting them to die. Spit it out, and let it go. Forgiveness is complete when we feel love for them again.
11. Knit a tribe
a. Your children now have two families who love them. Support them in their relationships with both wings of their family. They may have a family forest instead of a tree – even so there are more people who can love and carefor them.If your kids are young, recount to them each night by name how many people love them, say: Aunty Sue loves you, and Grandpa loves you… Ensure you cover both sides of the family.
12. Cut the cords of connection
a. When people are in relationships their energy fields merge. Sometimes big fat cords of energy join us together and activate whenever we think or speak of each other. These can feed conflict and cause the multiplication of stress, anxiety, fears and so on. Cut the lines of energy using energetic healing techniques, and see a healer to clean the turmoil out of your energetic field. You will feel incredibly different as you ignite your spirit.
Shakti Durga is the founder, spiritual head and inspirational leader of Shanti Mission (Peace Mission), with its head office based in Australia. Her teachings focus on the development of spiritual, mental, emotional and physical health and well-being with the goal of igniting the divine spark within everyone. Shakti Durga was previously known as Kim Fraser, with a successful career as a barrister
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