Everyday my child is fighting for his life. Each moment is about providing whatever is necessary to extend his life. John, at eleven months of age, was diagnosed with a spinal muscular disease that caused progressive weakness making respiratory infections and other illnesses life threatening. We were told most of the children died before age two; very few lived to age three. There was no cure, and nothing to extend his life…nothing.
He is now approaching his third birthday having battled many bouts of pneumonia. I am determined the fatal diagnosis made by the doctors over a year ago will not happen. There are many, many sleepless nights, yet, inside my heart I keep hearing, “Do not believe them…they really don’t know.” The power of so many fused emotions has become the catalytic fuel that keeps me questioning, looking, finding solutions, moving forward in the midst of breakdowns and constant responsibilities of family and life.
One night I could not sleep; my heart was heavy. I slipped out of bed at about 1:30 in the morning with the weight of my heart leading me. I went to the desk in the den and began to write. It was a child’s letter to God asking for some understanding. I was deeply pained that we did not live in a caring and loving world. I did not understand why we, in a global effort, did not devote ourselves to finding cures for the illnesses that ravished humanity. Why were we not making human beings a priority? I could not understand the dissention, fighting, and suffering in the world. Why wasn’t there one leader in this world taking a stand with other leaders to address global human issues, to stop this suffering and destruction?
I wrote pouring out my heartache, perplexed at our apathy, and our inhumanity.
I realised the only way anything was ever going to happen was if each individual made a conscious choice to serve humanity with love. For myself at this point, my heart could have it no other way. If I didn’t serve with love, my spirit would die. Innately I knew there was a higher state of living available for humanity based on love. If we lived this love, the results would bring us into to the very truth of our hearts and the sacredness of creation.
That night in 1974, I declared I would devote my life to discover what opened the heart and soul of humanity, to find solutions to cure our self-destructive world, and to find a way to have love become the common language of humanity. I promised I would do my part to end suffering in our world. I, a little bitty voice amongst the roar of the world, armed with a powerful strength of conviction as I battled for my son’s life, took a stand from my heart directly to the heart of God. I spoke what I so desperately wanted the leaders of our world to be speaking.
My son is still alive, in and out of intensive care with respiratory infections and the feared pneumonia. My commitment remains strong and active. I have sought knowledgeable people on spiritual journeys, those committed to higher knowledge and service. I have been led to books, spiritual paths, and transformational courses. So much to discover. So much I didn’t know. An expansion of knowledge was happening yet it was only information until… One evening, I was curled in bed comfortably reading a book. I read a passage and it said, I am paraphrasing, “If God came to you and told you what to do, you would do it. What you are doing is exactly what God wants you to do. So, be happy.” As I spoke the last word, I immediately felt a massive pain in my head. It felt as if a huge wooden hammer, like they have at the carnivals, had smashed into my head.
For moments I saw stars and swirling colours. Then it felt like the whole universe had opened up and all wisdom of existence was downloaded. I saw and understood everything.
I was filled with a sense of wonder and love. Everything permeated with radiating light. All was beautiful. I was laughing and weeping simultaneously. Waves and waves and waves of love filled me. Besides my laughter, a calming peace permeated. In one moment, my life changed. I was experiencing an extraordinary reality of pure love and beauty.
I went into each of the children’s bedrooms and knelt close to their faces realising they were love manifested as I watched both Lisa and John sleep in the beauty of innocence. My heart overflowed with love for them. I went into the den where the white dove was radiating pulsations of golden light with every ‘coo’ it sent my way. Beauty was everywhere. I opened the refrigerator, reached for a carrot, took a bite and I was in ecstasy. The nourishment of the love entered every cell of my body.
Days followed, I went on with life. Everyone recognised the change. Family and friends commented on the peaceful aura of love I carried, as well as the clarity and insightfulness from which I spoke. It felt like my mind and heart had been perfectly cleaned out. I now saw the unfiltered perfection of each moment. This experience lasted for about six months, and then slowly I lost some of it. I had been given a super duper preview of the possibility for humanity. It was now part of my growth to consciously get myself back to that place and…bring others with me. As an experienced teacher, the course of my journey was evident. I needed to discover what I was to teach in order to get people to that place of pure love.
I am absorbing spiritual and transformational information. In curiosity and wonder my thirst for knowledge is insatiable. My way of life is changing. For now, I’ve become a vegetarian. I am naturally being directed towards cleansing and honouring my body and life. I am moved to meditate, do yoga, and bringing consciousness and order to my life and love to my relationships.
One lazy afternoon, Lisa was outside playing with the neighbours and I was reading to my son, then almost six years old. He was propped up with pillows sitting on an armchair with Woof Woof, our fluffy toy poodle, next to him. I looked up at John at one point of my reading, and I saw him. I really, really saw him. I saw the richness of his soul looking at me through his big brown eyes. To my shock, I awoke to the realisation that inside that fragile body my son was whole, perfect and okay. I had been blinded by his life and death condition all these years. It was his body that had the disease, not him.
Everyone, including me, was so busy trying to keep him alive. The more we saw him this way, augmented by our sadness and concern, the more he was repressed and imprisoned in his body. To my horror, I realised my son had been suffering because no one saw him…no one saw the ‘perfectly okay’ John I was now seeing.
It was sad what we had done, but I was exhilarated at the same time. I recognised him for him, the real him!
The amazing miracle of the moment was that he saw me reaching beyond his body to see the perfect and normal boy that lived beyond his eyes, the windows of the soul.
Obviously, from that moment forward, my life changed in every way, especially on how I saw people and all life.
My son’s life changed radically also. He stopped getting pneumonia and going to intensive care. As a matter fact, he became a regular kid in an electric wheelchair, who went to school to participate in a very full life. There was no stopping him in life. Although he had extreme challenges with his body, he knew who he was, and he knew someone else knew also. He could now live being normal as we supported his body giving it the right equipment to assure him physical freedom.
I still carry the vision that lies inside my soul yearning to be fulfilled. I had been working with thousands of people in transformative seminars for six years for an organisation. I learned so much and contributed to so many people, yet I knew something was still missing.
In a recent insight, I was reaffirmed that deep suffering emanates from the soul when it becomes entrapped in the identity and limitations put upon it by life’s circumstances. Confined, it has no way to express its innate love, aliveness, and freedom to soar in life.
John was imprisoned in our concept of him, he was not set free until we changed the way we saw him. Trapped in similar kinds of enculturation and decisions, people unknowingly act and present themselves as someone they are not.
My vision was to assist people to free themselves of these trappings so their true selves could experience freedom and fulfillment in life. Even though I was strongly intentioned, I knew there was still a key missing to have this happen and I was determined to find it.
I offered my first Self Love Program in April of 1986 in Austin, Texas, with my vision resting near my heart. In the midst of working with a person in that first program, I kept saying spontaneously to him, “Look into your heart, listen to it. Just be very quiet, relax and listen. Be patient. Wait. It will bubble up straight from the heart. Listen from the core of your being. Listen and focus”. After about five minutes of supporting him to listen, he said a few words. Then like a password that opens a file, these words opened his heart. Wave after wave of emotion started to release that had been blocked. Afterwards, he glowed with clarity, discovery and lightness. He stated he was so light and unburdened. He stated he made discoveries beyond anything he had ever known. This major breakthrough in this man’s life took no more than 12 to 15 minutes total from beginning to the enlightenment.
Well, there you go, my life’s work with the heart had been revealed. I could now fulfill my vision. I was in a state of exhilaration, gratitude and joy. With every passing year I work with the heart, the more I master the work. The heart in union with the soul is magnificent. I discovered that the heart not only cleared people’s lives, its true purpose was to ongoing guide and direct people in their life to continually grow in love, wisdom and to higher states. In the years and programs that followed, it was confirmed, people’s lives and hearts were opened, transformed, enriched, spirited beyond expectations and set free to be themselves. The heart is the gift of love that will bring humanity together! After all, who alive on this planet doesn’t have a heart?
My son John is now almost 34 years of age. He is a college graduate, screenwriter and occasional filmmaker living independently with an attendant and friend in Burbank, California, with a lifetime of incredible experiences under his belt. His presence, his work, and his life have touched and inspired thousands. In retrospect, I am so happy I believed and followed the voice of my heart and not the words of a fatal diagnosis. My heart was right when it said, “Do not believe them…they do not know.” I have discovered and learned so much about the perfection of the eternal soul, about love, and the wonder of the heart in all theses years. Most especially I have learned how to consistently access this heart knowledge and the amazing guidance and direction it offers in life.
My daughter Lisa is married and lives happily with her adored husband and three children in Mill Valley, Ca. She too lives a life of service touching many lives. She is a major player on a team putting out an incredible magazine whose purpose is to bring information on creating ‘the best life possible’ for all its readers.
As for Woof Woof and the dove, they have now moved on to doggie and bird heaven, having made their contribution of love to our family.
As for myself, I continue to bring the heart, soul, and my love to thousands of individuals, couples, and groups, anywhere and everywhere. To this day, I never fail to be enriched, and awed by life and by witnessing the heart and love in action. I am a happy, wise, loving woman who lives and works in heaven on earth surrounded by magnificent, openhearted people full of love and light. As for my vision, it now has a life of its own. I simply follow the directions of the unending love it represents.
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