“There has been no failure – simply a learning experience for the soul.”
It’s only natural to want to be loved. We all want to have a sense of belonging. Falling in love is one of the most amazing feelings that we will ever experience. There is nothing quite like meeting someone special. From the moment we feel that attraction it brings an energy that is almost indescribable. The heart opens up like a flower and there is lightness in all we do. Our thoughts become filtered through rose-coloured glasses. Our world looks softer and somehow things that would normally bother us don’t seem to matter as much. Our energy uplifted, we have a new priority, the significant other. Our emotions are in a heightened state together with our curiosity and expectations. Daydreaming seems to take over our logic. Yes, we are smitten.
We can’t wait until we see or hear from them again. When the phone sounds our heart races as we look with hope that it is ‘the one’. It can be hard to concentrate on mundane things when it feels so much nicer to fantasise about future possibilities. The sound of their voice, they way they look at us stirs emotions within. Then comes the first touch and the electricity is exchanged between two who then long to become one. It is fun to share information and find out about each other. Songs on the radio echo our inner feelings as if they truly understand. We feel alive and in love.
Time passes and the relationship grows. We have intimacy and a best friend all rolled into one. We have laughed and cried together, fallen in and out with each other, and come together again with new understanding.
We accept circumstances, habits, and other points of view because all the other things on offer make us content. We really don’t want to let go of our attachment, truly believing that this other person understands us and makes us feel like no other has before. We have reached a level of comfort and have planned a future together.
Break-ups: new learning for the soul
Then, somehow it all changes and becomes discordant. Unfortunately, in our happiness being dependent on a person or a thing, we have depended on a condition, and conditions change. Conditional happiness is not happiness. It is a deal.
New learning for the soul must occur so that every break-up can signify a new learning period for both partners. If we understood this, relationships would be easier to move on from.
When we don’t see the end of a relationship as learning for the soul, we are more likely to see it as a failure and want to hold onto it, to save face. It is part of our conditioning to seek out a partner and live happily ever after.
Our society is built on the notion that having one long-term relationship denotes some kind of stability and anything less than that is treated with suspicion. Everyone is looking for the one to not only feel fulfilled but to replicate the conditioning that we are bombarded with from an early age. Like Cinderella, we yearn for the prince. Everyone wants to find love but not everybody does.
Buddha said, in the end these things matter most:
How well did you love?
How fully did you live?
How deeply did you learn to let go?
Letting go of love
Learning for our soul journey does not follow conventional ideas. It may require numerous relationships for our souls’ lessons to be taught, as we all learn in our own time. Understanding this concept is necessary to develop a comprehension that loving ourself is a prerequisite to loving another unconditionally. Everything else is make-believe, deception. If we truly loved our partner, we would wish them to be happy with or without us, whatever that involves.
Conditional happiness is not true happiness, rather it is a deal where one partner may suggest the other stays and enforces this through guilt and obligation. Often one person is unable to let go. Never wanting to feel alone in their unhappiness, they do their best to emotionally manipulate and transfer the sorrow to their fleeing partner. This in fact is how emotional baggage is created. It can be anchored to both partners and carried into all future relationships, having significant impact as it compounds. Letting go of conditional love, and learning to love yourself is a surer way to find the loving relationship that you are looking for.
A person attached to another identifies their happiness with that person, meaning they project the cause of their happiness outside of themselves. This always indicates a lack of self-worth and self-love; two of the most important things to be nurtured in every person. It is not that true perception is ignorant of attachment; the difference is that its happiness does not depend on any one person or condition.
When letting go can be seen as a gift to the development of the soul of another, we will know we have arrived in a place of self-love. This place of self-love will enable us to stand alone and rejoice in the experience that we have had, knowing that it was an opportunity to learn, grow and evolve for both partners. There has been no failure, simply a learning experience for the soul.
Glenda Lamaro is a children’s book author, counsellor, NLP/hypnotherapy practitioner and meditation teacher. She has been meditating for over 30 years, and enjoys writing to help others gain a more spiritual aspect to this life experience.
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