Is it normal for sex to dwindle in a long-term relationship?
We don’t often talk about it, but most people seem to assume that it’s normal for sex to dwindle (at least somewhat) in a long-term relationship.
What if this were actually incorrect; if it were a myth which is only perpetuated because most people have never been taught how to cultivate long-term sexual charge?
When I was about to get married, my colleague jokingly ‘commiserated’ me on what he saw as a gradual, yet inevitable decline in my sex life. When I repeatedly insisted that I had seen no evidence of this during my already long-term, four-year relationship, and that there were ways of making love that increased charge, an interesting sequence of events occurred.
Gradually, one by one, male colleagues started to sidle into view, until I had five people standing around my desk. At the centre of this I was cautiously hesitating. I wasn’t sure if ‘non-ejaculatory tantra’ was within the bounds of ‘appropriate’ workplace conversations.
Yet, they insisted I continue.
So I shared with them some of what I have been blessed to learn about the benefits of implosive (sexually generative) orgasms. As distinguished from explosive (sexually ‘dissipative’) orgasms.
I wasn’t surprised that my colleagues hadn’t heard about this before; they have been exploring pursuits somewhat different to what I’ve enjoyed in my part-time hippie career. But over the next few months, I began to notice that my more alternative friends were asking me similar questions.
And I am answering: YES! A healthy, long-term, sexual relationship is possible! More so, I believe it can be like the perpetual motion battery of the family! I see it as a way of tapping into divine and unlimited energy. A doorway to the heart, and a doorway to healing and self-empowerment.
Daily love making
I hate professing that I know something. Because usually straight after I have done so, I fall flat on my face as a downright example of the opposite. And without saying that our amazing relationship will last till the end of our lifetime (even though we do dream of this), it has lasted a very happy, very sexually alive five years, and is deeply committed. I’m talking about daily beautiful love making. Sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. Sometimes if life gets in the way we skip a day or two. Yet looking around, I get the strange suspicion that this is currently a relatively unusual achievement.
I think the illness in modern sexuality, reflects the illness in modern society: being goal-oriented.
‘Pursuing’, ‘attaining’, and ‘acquiring’ are some of the words that often describe our behaviour in this capitalist society. Media advertisements often even attach sex symbols to these ‘false gods’ of consumer items that we wish to pursue, attain, and acquire. All for this glitzy excitement to disappear in a puff of smoke the moment we acquire the new car or the new ‘sexy’ toothbrush.
Kind of like the common orgasm.
Disappears in a puff of smoke, the minute you have it.
Another type of orgasm
I have learned (from my own experiences as well as through teachers and lovers who I am blessed to have had in my life) that there is another type of orgasm. It feels a little like a ‘sunrise’, and a lot different to the outcome-oriented, game of pursuit, ‘puff of smoke’. An orgasm which enlivens the being and opens the heart, rather than making us feel like rolling over and falling asleep. An orgasm which begins to creep up on us, when we learn to stop grasping for our ‘happy ending’.
One way we can enable ourselves to have ‘sexually generative’ orgasms is to allow ourselves to become aroused. But then pause a moment before we get to the ‘point of no return’. i.e. we pause before we get to the point of ‘grasping’ for orgasm. (The bit where we squeeze all our muscles and slide down the slippery dip of a wild, explosive, but sexually depleting climax.) Once we’ve paused for a minute or so, we can play with building the energy again. Until just before the ‘point of no return’, and so on. Eventually, a much more satisfying type of orgasm will start to ‘take us by surprise’, without us directly striving for this.
There are many more techniques we can learn, when it comes to building sustainable, long-term, sexy relationships. And it is time that we started to give this topic some attention! We spend 12 or more years studying algebra. How about we spend a little time learning to build sexually alive long-term relationships?
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