Man and woman making heart shape with their hands

Why does passion fade over time – and does it have to?

In Community and Relationship, Love, Sex and Sexuality by Liisa HalmeLeave a Comment

Re-connecting with our male / female energy can bring back polarity and passion into our relationships.


The feminine and masculine energies are like positive and negative charges that attract one another, and together create a charge much greater than their individual energies combined. Although the male and female energies contain sexual energy, they are not solely expressed during sex and intimacy. These energies encompass the mind, body, soul and spirit as an integral part of our essence and life force. When the male–female polarity weakens in a relationship (be it same or opposite sex), the sexual charge and passion that used to be there tends to fade away. We become too similar; more like friends, housemates or companions than intimate lovers still burning hot for each other. Even though this lack of attraction and polarity doesn’t bother everybody, in many relationships it is a huge cause of frustration, lack of fulfilment and connection.

Each of us contains both polarities, both masculine and feminine, independent of gender or sexual orientation. We tend to identify more with one or the other, meaning we have a more masculine or feminine essence. Most, but not all, men have a more masculine essence, and most, but not all, women have a more feminine essence. Very rarely – notwithstanding that the concept has been recently popularised by the ‘gender neutral’ movement – an individual may be evenly balanced between the two.

Who ‘wears the pants’?

Historically, in many cultures men have misused their masculine energy and dominated women, and women have allowed themselves to be suppressed and disempowered, resorting to using their feminine sexual energy as a way of manipulation. As a result of a long battle over generations, women in the westernised world have finally arisen to a position more equal to men, but in many ways this has also meant that many women have consciously or unconsciously tried to be more like men, competing with men and embracing masculine values, rather than being equal to men in their own feminine way. (Pardon the generalisation: As mentioned before, feminine and masculine energy is not always related to gender or sexual orientation.) As a result we continue to live in a very male-oriented society that relies heavily on intellect and other masculine qualities, undervaluing intuition, creativity and other feminine qualities.

Because of painful personal and generational history, so many women – and men –- have trouble letting go of past hurts and truly opening up in sexual relationships: Women hold back from fully and freely expressing their light, creative, nurturing, ever changing, glowing feminine energy in the fear of it being seen as weak and being dominated, and many men find it challenging to embody the warrior-like, intense, penetrating masculine energy of direction, integrity and stability in fear of been seen as aggressive, or in order to avoid conflict and ‘having their balls broken’ by the tough, independent woman.

Loss of polarity = loss of attraction

Both in my own life, and in the lives of friends, family and people I have worked with, I have come across a similar pattern time and time again: the woman ‘wears the pants’ in a relationship and the man becomes disempowered or ‘weak’. The woman is frustrated; she feels more of a man than he is. He has lost his mojo and isn’t half the man he used to be and she feels the need to be in control in order to be safe. She longs for him to step in and take more charge but doesn’t trust him to do so. The man gives his power away in fear of conflict and her reactions, feeling less masculine and more disempowered. The weaker he becomes the more dominant she gets; their energies keep changing as a reaction to one other, moving further away form their natural form. When the energies are out of balance, the attraction and sexual charge in the relationship slowly fade. Both parties feel unfulfilled and disconnected, and may begin to fantasise about new partners to make them feel more like a man / woman again…Variations of a similar pattern may repeat in same-sex relationships.

However, it is never just one person that is responsible for the polarity or lack thereof. Nor is it ever up to anyone else to make us feel a certain way. What we can do is to generate more of the energy that we are yearning for, returning back to our natural essence that feels right for us. We don’t even have to know how to do it; it is who we are.

When women fully open up to their feminine energy, the need to become more masculine in order to survive no longer exists: we no longer need to fear, stand up to or fight the masculine energy. Instead we can trust it and let it protect us, and let it have its own role in our life.

There is nothing more fulfilling to the feminine energy than to surrender with love to the masculine – whether it is within a relationship between intimate partners, or within ourselves. One of the most beautiful and pleasurable things in a relationship is when the feminine energy fuels a masculine heart, bringing out the amazing and intense male energy. The masculine energy with its unwavering presence has the ability and purpose to light up the feminine energy – they both feed and need each other, fuelling that charge, electricity and passion we longed for.

Shiva and Shakti

These two opposite energies are described in many philosophies. In the tantric, yogic and Hindu traditions they are called Shiva and Shakti.

Shakti means energy, power, movement, creation, light and change. It is the maternal principle of nature.

Shiva, on the other hand, is pure consciousness – the unchanging, unlimited and unswayable observer and witness; the paternal love of God that gives us consciousness, clarity and knowledge.

Shiva and Shakti, the twin realities, are manifestations of the male and female polarities, the opposite sides of the same coin much like Yin and Yang – not only in the cosmos as a whole but in each and every individual.

Only when Shiva and Shakti merge can action, movement and creation arise. Until energy is impregnated with consciousness, it is ignorant, disordered, aimless and ‘blind’. Energy alone can produce nothing; consciousness gives it content, form and direction. Likewise, consciousness without energy is dormant power, a sleeping energy, and on its own unable to be the cause of anything. Just as Shakti without Shiva is unable to act, Shiva without Shakti is also incapable of creating anything. Together the two are destined to connect and dance in union and balance, like night and day, one never getting tired of the other.



More info, insights and practice on polarity in intimacy and re-connecting with our male / female energies in David Deida’s countless best-selling books and courses, and on

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