If you are having a tough time, perhaps you are letting go of the same beast that I’ve been wrestling.
This is a beast that is easy to spot in others but very hard to see in yourself. If you can spot ‘poor me’ lurking in the shadows of your own personal drama, you are about to free yourself from an enormous energy thief.
Last year my house nearly burnt down. The whole year stretched out into one long painful wrestle with authorities who felt I had been negligent for not checking what kind of light bulbs a professional Swiss electrical team had installed in my cupboards. I felt deeply and wrongly judged, but today I feel blessed for all that happened because, in the process, I was able to see and let go of a shadow I may never have seen otherwise.
From my perspective, it felt like I was being bullied; constantly regressed to earlier developmental stages, where I was more vulnerable and less likely to reach out for help. But each time this happened I was able to catch a glimpse of the enormous cost of ‘poor me – this isn’t fair!’
BRUTALLY HONEST FRIENDS HELP
I probably would not have been able to see this perspective, and cut myself free, had it not been for a brutally honest friend, and research into ancestry helping me see that what was going on wasn’t about now at all. It wasn’t even about early childhood, but something far older. The evolution of family, our human lineage, of Self – by bringing to consciousness, presence-ing and releasing old survival patterns that no longer serve.
One day, after arguing with the building insurance and blaming them for blaming me, I spent all afternoon walking in the forest to get my power back. Then a young neighbour showed up to mirror exactly what I hadn’t wanted to see in myself. As she shared her story, I watched ‘poor me’ come alive in her, taking over her body like a possession. This enabled me to observe it internally in myself.
But, what to do? It helped to see it as a separate entity; a chemical addiction to a feeling state or a mad relative visiting from the past. And, like any addiction, to know there’s a moment of choice, a split second where one can press pause before auto drive takes over. This allowed me to sit with the feelings. Old and familiar.
I could see them in my mother, and resisted seeing in myself; sadness, or anger, or even shame. I knew it couldn’t last more than 90 seconds unless I fed it. Each time giving me another opportunity to see and befriend the beast I was feeding.
LIFE HAPPENS FOR YOU, NOT TO YOU
Incredible to witness how divinely orchestrated everything is that happens to each of us. That ‘life happens for you; not to you’. This is such a divinely delicious cosmic joke: how every person who shows up in your life is a perfect mirror, teaching you something profound. And how important it is to suspend judgement and be fully present with whatever is arising. All feelings are fuel. By sitting with a feeling it turns into oxygen. This is the real work.
But once the energy is freed up, running in our veins, can we learn to shift gears, from the old feeling to the new, and entrain a more joyful speed without our older survival brain throwing a spanner in the works? This is how we reclaim our power, by reprogramming our auto- drive. Not towards whimper, but towards whoopee!
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