Relationship issues – Hong Curley answers readers’ questions
Question from Belinda:
My husband and I fight a lot. He is quite a violent man. He bullies me a lot. I am not a violent person, but I don’t want him to walk all over me either. I am so tired of struggling in this marriage but I don’t have the courage to walk out. Can you give me some tips on how to handle my situation? Belinda
[Editors note: If you or someone you know is an abusive or dangerous relationship, please seek help]
The following points will help you understand and handle the situation better.
Violence is fear announced out loud. The more violent people appear to be, the more scared they are inside. The external manifestation of violence is just a cover-up for their internal fear, sense of low self-worth and inadequacy.
Violence cannot be overcome by violence. It is like the darkness which can only be dissolved by the presence of light. Violence can only be overcome with compassion, tolerance, and understanding. The only force that can transform violence is love.
If your husband bullies you, you do not automatically become his victim. You can never become a victim unless you declare you are one by giving your power away. The bullies are powerless people, that is why they must put someone down to strengthen their sense of worth.If you react to him as a victim of his violence, you would strengthen the illusion of his fake power. A man of power will never bully anyone. There is no need for them to. Only a weak man will need to bully people to fake his strength.
In actual fact, he is not bullying you, he is bullying himself. He hates himself and he is just projecting his hatred towards himself onto you. Please know that all angry, violent people carry very strong hurt deep inside their heart. They don’t need to be punished. They need to be healed of their pain. Know this in your heart always and send him healing energies. This will not only help to heal his inner pain but also protect you and free you from his bondage.
Your husband is actually your best teacher. In higher, spiritual reality, your husband is your teacher who has come to teach you the true meaning of forgiveness and compassion. Many seeds of blessings are planted in the face of calamities and trauma, and often, the blessings are revealed in hindsight. Withdraw from the destructive approach of ‘an eye for an eye’. Hold your inner power. Stand firm as a sovereign being, and only respond to violence with compassion and understanding.
What goes around comes around. No one can run away from their deeds and actions. Whatever you do, you plant a seed for your future. If you react to his violence with violence, you are perpetuating the negative cycle of violence. You are trapped in the cycle of negative karma. Therefore, to step out of this destructive wheel, you must choose a different approach. Know that he is hurting inside, help him find the source of his pain and help him heal. In helping him heal, you are also healing yourself and your marriage. There is no other way.
Everybody you meet in your life – your friends, enemies, families – are nothing but spiritual beings who have come to serve you, teach you, remind you of who you really are – a kind, loving, compassionate, godly spiritual being who is here to fulfil a higher purpose of creating a better world.
Good luck with your journey Belinda.