saying no to sex - Kristian Stephan -Martin - man saying no

Saying no to sex as a man

In Love, Sex and Sexuality, Men's Health by Kristian Stephan-MartinLeave a Comment

 My journey to learning that my boundaries are in place to keep my heart open

Saying no to sex over the past few years has been an interesting experience for me.

A lot of my 20s has been spent reawakening my sexual energy (aka life force energy), amongst many other things.

After seeing the actions of some specific d**kheads in high school towards girls, I made sure I wasn’t one of those guys. It got me a lot of praise from girls who’d say, “You’re so different to other guys.” And that praise, which the boy in me really liked, cemented as “Be this way… don’t be a tool, be different.”

And then at some point I realised I’d squashed my sexual fire. At one stage I had such low sexual desire for women, I wondered if I was gay. And actually when I shared that with friends (I was probably 20 at the time), one of them said, “Yeah I’ve experienced that too.” It was like woah, such a relief to even hear someone who could relate.

As I really started to own my sexual energy and desire, my body began to light up. I felt so good. So alive. I could have days walking down the street, literally feeling as though every cell in my body was juiced up. If I was listening to music, I’d often do a little dance or just smile a huge, happy smile for how alive I was. Please note: sexual energy doesn’t always actually mean I’m talking about sex. My sexual energy is first and foremost for me.

Another thing happened: a lot more women were attracted to me. And they were pretty overt about it.

Listening to my heart

One thing I’ve always been blessed with (I believe in large part due to how I was parented) is connection to myself. And I further nurtured my nature by doing a tonne of self-enquiry. I journal almost every morning and night, asking myself questions, speaking with myself, writing about what happened in the day and why. Why did I feel that way? What part of that situation threw me? What void was filled for me there? So I really feel I’ve always had a very deep knowing and assurance of myself.

My heart (the majority of the time) takes precedence over my sexual energy, although there have been times I’ve had sex with a woman when my heart wasn’t a full yes. I realise now that even 90% is not a full yes for me. And those times, I betrayed my heart; often the sex was still good – it was still connected. But it wasn’t all the way there.

And that’s pretty much my standard now. If my heart is not fully ‘in’, then it’s a no. Even if the woman is wildly gorgeous and we’re attracted to each other. Somehow, holding the line for my heart is just way better.

My boundaries

The philosophy I currently live by when it comes to boundaries is:

“My boundaries are in place to keep my heart open.”

When I violate my own boundaries by giving someone more time, more energy, more attention, when I take their phone call at a time I actually don’t want to, when I stay longer at the party because I think it’s polite… when I do not uphold my own boundaries, my heart closes. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. It builds resentment within me which usually gets projected onto others. Often that also happens when I feel I can’t say no. (Side note: when we struggle with saying no, that’s usually a self-worth thing.)

And the same happens when someone else violates my boundaries or demands more of me than I can give. Resentment, frustration, overwhelm, and a closing of my heart and energy happen. That’s not a place I want to live from.

This means that in saying no to someone, I’m not rejecting them,. Instead I’m loving myself and them enough to say, “I want my heart to stay open to you. Right now that happens by saying no.” If we could seriously get that and let that sink in, our world and how we relate to people would improve so much.

Holding the line for my heart

Coming back to when I’ve said no to a woman who wants sex, there’s been plenty of times she comes back at me with a look of “What!?” Whether it’s been a girlfriend or someone I’m dating, the next question is often “Is it something about me?” It really seems to bring up self-worth stuff.

Sometimes I’ve been with someone in bed, kissing, and it seems to be leading towards sex. I’ve then said I don’t want to. Sometimes a woman has expressed that she wants something physical with me, and even though I was sexually attracted to her, my heart wasn’t in. And I’ve said no.

Sometimes saying no has lead to such an ordeal that it has actually made me scared to say no the next time.

But the truth is, it is never about the woman I’m with. It’s about my own heart and upholding its truth.

About the author

Kristian Stephan-Martin

Kristian Stephan-Martin is a coach, speaker and facilitator in the areas of self-worth, expression, heart connection, and being yourself. He has given a TEDx talk and been featured in the Huffington Post three times.

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