For a woman to get the most out of her sexuality the pathway begins with her going inside herself and connecting with who she is, opening her heart to herself and accessing the container for ecstasy that lies within.
If you listen in to a conversation between women about sex these days you will find orgasm is the topic most commonly focussed on. Whether she had one, how many she had, whereabouts she had them- clitoris, gspot, uspot, aspot, deep spot, heart, throat, anal, full body, skin, energetic; how she got there and how good her partner/vibrator was in getting her there. Sex has become about peak and performance, heavily influenced by visual and orgasm-based pornography. Tantric sex focuses on the inside. It is much more about what you feel than what you see, and it feels wonderful.
Inner radiance vs external beauty
Some years ago after the completion of one of my women’s tantric workshops I took the participants out for a celebration dinner. The day happened to coincide with the running of a local race meeting. As we trouped up to the restaurant I noticed a couple of tables containing women who, given the tres chic way they were dressed, had obviously been out to this fashionable event.
I noticed the women looked wonderful on the outside, quite ready for a spot in Vogue or Cosmo, but even allowing for the fact that they’d probably had a long day, the inner spark, the radiance I look for in a woman’s beauty was missing. It seemed that the outfits were wearing the women rather than the other way around. Unlike this, the post workshop attendees who (after also having had a full day) were looking totally radiant, beaming with life and love from the inside out, and what they were wearing, while also very nice, was taking a back seat to the women themselves. I have never forgotten this striking comparison as it was a reminder for me of what tantric sex is all about for a woman - connecting to and experiencing all of who she is from within. This takes sex to a whole new dimension – a place of surrender, expansion, ecstasy and union with spirit.
A woman’s journey is to find herself
A woman spends a lot of her life looking for who she is. She learns very early in life that life is about how she looks and how she fits in to what is expected of her. This is because woman is ‘the other’, supposedly made from Adam’s spare rib – mankind is the centre of life and woman is created to reflect in man’s image. She is born without a sense of herself and spends the remainder of her life trying to find it. The model for success she is given is masculine based, focussed on external motivations taking her further away from her feminine essence. With feminine qualities seen as ‘less than’ by the majority of society, she quickly loses contact with her innate way of being. In her uncertainty she embraces the external world of doing, of achieving, trying to ‘have it all’, or feels guilty for not doing so. This is how she approaches sex as well.
The good woman role model
Society has also skewed the essence of woman for its own purposes in praising her for her ability to nurture, to feel love and compassion at the expense of her other qualities. This has led woman, in her need for love and approval, to over focus on those around her to the detriment of herself. This takes her further away from her core strengths and leaves her vulnerable, depressed and insecure, or with a wall of pseudo confidence and independence yet unfulfilled within. It leaves her empty.
Tantra is the key
This is where tantra and tantric sex come in. Tantric sex invites a woman to more fully embody her feminine state, giving her access to the qualities that nurture, sustain and fill her up. This process is about surrendering rather than effort. It doesn’t mean that she needs to abandon her drive for independence and achievement but offers a way to help her sustain it. Tantric sex is more fulfilling than a tension-focussed performance, straining an already empty tank.
What are these much maligned feminine qualities? Feeling, emotion, intensity, sexuality, vitality, nurturing, intuition, creativity, beingness, spontaneity, movement, receptivity, softness, vulnerability, fullness, submission, yielding, surrender, play, mystery, fluidity, changeability, connection, magnetic attractiveness, inner radiance, beauty, wisdom, embodied spirit.
The feminine is not fragile
Many of these qualities are denigrated as weakness or fragility. But is she fragile, someone who is capable of carrying and giving birth to a new life (whether she chooses to or not)? Is she a weakling, someone who has the wild, intense fury needed for chasing down the one trying to steal her child? Is she somehow deficient for enjoying a moment of spontaneous and revitalising play? Is she pathetic, someone who can surrender into her heart and softly nurture your deepest wounds? Is she helpless, someone who can magnetically attract you with her beauty and radiance, then vulnerably receive you into her body and the deepest, most intimate recesses of her heart and soul? Is she merely irrelevant, someone that can offer wisdom from her intuition, spirit and years of experience?
How does it relate to sex?
You might ask what does all of this have to do with sex? I say everything, as a woman who is fully connected with herself and her heart experiences sees sex from this holistic and tantric perspective, rather than merely a physical or mental one. It can be sex for pleasure, for procreation, making love, or experiencing sexuality as her vital life force, feeling it alive and vibrant inside her as she goes about her day.
Yes, we can have sex that focuses on the physical mechanics of peak orgasm – this is a great beginning place. It would be a tragedy if this were all a women ever sought, as exploring the nature of her feminine qualities will open a woman to her sense of self, and her body to pleasure the way the predictability of a vibrator cannot. I suggest you take time out to explore the qualities listed above and find ways to experience them. You’ll have a sense of remembering who you are and fall more and more in love with yourself, leading to greater life and sexual confidence, openness and pleasure.
What is meant by this “connecting with, or being inside yourself”?
It is mostly a mindset. Putting your attention on what is going on inside you, rather than on what is happening around you, paying attention to the physical sensations that you can feel in your body and enjoying them, imagine your body is a house and you are inside it walking from room to room noticing not colours and furnishings but feelings and sensations like relaxation, softness, tingling, excitement, feeling the walls of the house as the boundaries of your body. After a while you become less aware of your surroundings, more aware of yourself, like you are inside the house looking out. Breathing slowly and deeply helps this.
Initially it can take some time to get this, but it is well worth the effort practising as it gets much easier. And to take yourself to the heights of your sexual possibilities you need to go inside yourself this way; trust, connect and surrender to your flow (imagine an ocean) that lies within you – this is the unending of orgasmic ecstasy you are capable of.
Things that stop us from connecting with ourselves in sex
- Not making the effort to spend time with ourselves, to get familiar with the connection process.
- Worrying we have to perform, doing it instead of feeling it, then faking it because we’re taking too long.
- Focussing on our partner’s pleasure, leaving ourselves behind.
- Thinking that not feeling anything means nothing is going to happen. It doesn’t – it just means you need a little more time.
- Something that stops many women from feeling their bodies is that their minds are very active, taking their attention continually to their thoughts where it is harder to feel. Simple visualisation will help. As you breathe deeply try imagining your head is filled with a solid white light, blanking out all the thoughts. After a while imagine there are drops of redness melting off the white, falling down through the centre of your body and landing inside your genitals, with rings of red expanding outwards like ripples of water after a stone has been dropped in it.
- Carrying past hurt and blocked emotions in the body, especially the heart, making us feel tense, distracted or numb. Emotions like pleasure are energy in the body. If you are blocked up you can’t feel. Write in a diary, talk to a friend or professional, get those feelings unblocked any way you can.
Would you like to try this sensual meditation?
It will help you learn to connect with yourself and wake up the pleasure in your body. The more you practice the easier and more powerfully it happens. Try it with yourself first (allow a minimum of 30 mins, with practice it will take a few mins only) then when you get more confident, with your partner:
The following steps will begin this exploration of what lies within you
- Breathing – the more you breathe the more you feel and connect to yourself. Breathe deeply down into your belly and let go or relax as you exhale through your mouth. Allow your body to relax.
- Drop your attention from your mind into your body. Notice your breath; scan your body and notice the sensations and feelings. If you are not feeling anything don’t make it WRONG! This will just create more thinking. Just keep noticing and allowing what is, trusting that it will change. It can feel like you are dropping into nothing. This is where you need to trust yourself.
- Then do the same with your attention to your genitals – breathe, notice and allow.
- Continue deep breathing and now drop into your heart. When you do you will feel your body become soft, safe and receptive. If you feel any resistance or fear just allow it to be there; accept it and it will shift. Take as much time as you need here.
- You may be noticing tingling sensations in your body. This is the activation of your ecstatic energy. Begin to breathe in through your open mouth as you rock your hips forward; breathe out through your nose as you rock your hips back. Imagine you are filling yourself full of breath, energy or love.
- Relax and play with the size, speed and rhythm of your breath and movements. If you like, add in some pelvic floor squeezes (the ones you use to stop the flow of urine). Enjoy yourself and see what happens.
- Give yourself permission to make sounds. Don’t fake it like a porn star. Just ask yourself if there is a sound there that wants to be expressed; start gently. The vibrations in your throat amplify the ones in your body.
- Allow yourself to feel whatever comes, without expectations – don’t judge what happens.
- Above all stay connected with yourself. Once you get this, adding in touch will feel electric and super pleasurable. From this place move on to explore your normal orgasmic spots and feel the increased intensity.
- Enjoy for as long as you like. Sometimes not much happens – this is just your body taking longer to wake up. Keep practising as it will change.
This is the beginning of the tantric sex approach for a woman.
Look out for more articles in this series in future issues, and read last month’s article.
Annette Baulch is a transpersonal counsellor and tantra facilitator offering Power of Yoni workshops for women. She and her partner Graeme Sudholz facilitate Oztantra workshops and retreats; and also work with individual couples in enhancing their relationships.
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